Thursday, February 23, 2012

Control

My heart is very sad today for the little nine-year-old girl who died from severe dehydration in Alabama after running for three hours. She was running because she lied about eating some candy bars, and her grandmother and stepmother decided that would be her punishment. There was a movie I watched years ago called Parenthood, and I remember only one part of the movie. It was the scene where one of the teenagers is frustrated and makes the comment that you have to have a driver's license to drive, a license to practice medicine and all kinds of other licenses, but no one has to have a license to be a parent. In cases like these, a license with some good training would have been beneficial. Poor, sweet girl.

The idea of control has been on my mind a lot lately. There are so many of us who think we are in control of our lives and we often exercise control over spouses, children, other family members etc., in a misguided attempt to be at the steering wheel. The big news flash is...we are not at the helm. We have our free agency to choose in this life, but there is no way we can control everything. The sooner we learn this, the more peaceful we can be. I like to know what to expect just as much as the next person, and I would much prefer that my children obey me when I give them a direction. But just as we are given our free agency, so are those around us. Control is Satan's plan, and it's neighbors, coercion and manipulation, are also a part of his plans. Exercising control over another's agency ruins relationships and teaches nothing.

How does this translate? For me, parenting is where Heavenly Father's plan has helped me the most. I want my children to obey, but I understand that making them obey is not the same as setting up healthy consequences for disobedience. Yes, I get stressed. I raise my voice and sometimes I want to smack a child (although I don't), but when I look at the reasons why I yell or feel that I want to smack someone, it's always about my own issues with control. Things are usually not happening in the time frame I want them to, if at all, or I am upset about something completely unrelated, and it feels natural to yell to get some awareness generated. My youngest can push back so much that it feels natural to smack her to get her to pay attention to who is in charge. But that's just it. What kind of leader do I want to be? Dictatorship is really not for me, but it is seriously the easiest. So was Satan's plan; force everyone to choose the right and return to God. There is no growth when we're forced, in fact, our spirits rebel against this type of leadership. I would rather be the leader who loves and teaches. That kind of leadership takes thought and patience, but it's what I strive for.

You don't have to be a parent to have control issues, but whether you are or not, the topic needs to be examined by each of us. We are not in complete control here on earth; circumstances happen that we can't control, and trying to consistently jockey for the controlling position will simply leave you exhausted and discouraged. I'm having more success in looking around and finding out what I need to be learning from the situations that frustrate or disable me. Fortunately, I have a loving Father in Heaven who has set up a healthy framework for me complete with both positive and negative consequences, absolute control over the choices I make, and time to make mistakes and grow from them. I am blooming under this kind of leadership, and I want the same for my children, spouse, family members, friends, students, acquaintances, etc.

Unfortunately, the opportunity for self-reflection is not afforded everyone usually due to ignorance, and the parents I mentioned here probably have little idea of healthy boundaries. That makes me so sad, and I know choices that harm Heavenly Father's children must make Him grieve terribly. I marvel at His control. If He can have the kind of restraint it takes to watch His children hurt each other and make extremely poor choices at an extreme level and not force better out of them, I think I can examine my issues with control and try to do just a little bit better with my circle of influence. This has been kind of a depressing post, but this is one of those big things that I'm learning about which merits some journaling for posterity.

Think. Take a deep breath. Remember what is important.

1 comment:

Michelle Blair said...

I totally agree. I had to have lots of control when Gav told me he dropped my iPad outside after telling him don't take it outside. :(